[ Dan Kekal Hilang Tanpa Kesan.. Kah? ]

With Allah's love

Assalamu'alykum my dear

It's been awhile since I came here and share something. I'd just finished blog-walking and really miss the moments I shared things in my life with you. My dear, it's been... I don't know. A month I guess I'm in this training camp. And a lot had happen which I refuse to share it here. For it hurts too much. And, this time, it takes away half of myself. Been a week, yet I still can't find my other half. La hawla wala quwata illa billah. I lost it. This time for real. And I guess, it's my fault. To give 'em too much, till I forgot about Him. O Allah, forgive me for what I did. Forgive me, ya Rabb.

I don't know what to do. This time I really don't know what to do to call her back. Been praying for days, still no news from her. Been doing every thing I could, but still the same. Right now, feels like there's nothing inside. It's like living as a doll. This is not right, not the way I should be. No. It's not. I need to wake up. I need to... I need to... *sigh* I don't know the word. I just don't know.

This is not right. It makes me feels tired more than before. My stamina, really goes down the hill. Please, my dear. You need to be better right now, my dear. There's no time left! Not at all. Please. Don't be such a quitter. Please. That's not who you are. No. That's not you. Please. Come back. Come back as a better person, my dear.You have double the responsibilities than others. You need to finish up your work before get home, you need to cover up your steps for tournament. Stop being such a quitter, not now my dear. Not now. Please. You've gone this far. Too far to quit. Don't make your time a waste, don't make your money go to waste, and don't make your efforts before go to waste. Words are painful, but don't make it become a sword that cut you off to pieces. Please, oh please my dear.

Just pray, keep on praying for her to come back, my dear. Please don't give up. Let go, just let go all the feelings that kept coming. It's no use to be in such a gloomy day for all the time. Please. Please. Please. A Muslimah shouldn't be gloomy for long, my dear. It's okay now, it's okay. Rise, my dear. Rise and pull yourself together again. Rise! Rise! He's always by your side, my dear. Don't afraid to fall again, He will catch you over and over again, my dear. Let go of everything in your past. Let go! Rise again my dear. No one can make you stand up, it's you yourself my dear. Please..!!

Don't expect people to understand you, because mostly they don't when you yourself don't understand them either. Do not let other people wear your shoes, because they were specially made for you, and only you. Appreciate His gifts, my dear. You may share 'em with others but no one will appreciate it if you didn't. Because they have their own shoes to care on their own. Rise! If you fail on this one, how can you claim to go for the next level in front of Him, my dear.. Enough is enough for all those stupidity you did. Learn from it, but don't let it tear you apart. Come back and rise!

* * *

Brothers and sisters, don't forget to pray for all of Muslims around the world. They need our du'a even for a single phrase from our heart (for we didn't have the courage to join them in jihad).

Trying hard, may Allah be with me all the way
Cleo
~ Creating Ideas, Developing Words ~

[ Andai Bisa Diulang Semula ]

With Allah’s love

Assalamualykum my dear darling

Petang ni terasa ingin Cleo kongsikan satu kisah, yang Cleo terbaca masa nak cari isi untuk penulisan proposal Cleo. Tak pasti kesahihan kisah ni tapi cukup lah buat iktibar bagi mereka yg terlintas membuang atau menggugurkan anak kandungan sendiri (andai ada antara pembaca yg berniat begitu, bacalah sehingga akhir kisah).

* * *

Peristiwa ini mengisahkan tentang seorang gadis tak berdosa yang dikuburkan hidup-hidup. Orang daripada suku Bani Tamim pada zaman Arab Jahiliyah sangat gemar melakukan perbuatan yang tidak berperi kemanusiaan ini. Ketua suku Banu Tamim, iaitu Qais bin ‘Asim, setelah memeluk Islam mengaku kepada Rasulullah SAW:

“Wahai pesuruh Allah, ketika aku berada di tempat yang jauh dari rumah dalam sebuah perjalanan, isteriku telah melahirkan anak perempuan. Memanfaatkan kesempatan kerana kepergianku, kerana dorongan nalurinya, ibunya menyusuinya selama beberapa hari. Setelah beberapa hari takut aku akan menguburkannya hidup-hidup dia mengirimkan anak tersebut kepada saudara wanitanya untuk dipelihara. Ketika aku pulang dari perjalanan aku diberitahu bahawa isteriku telah melahirkan bayi yang telah mati. Dengan demikian persoalan tersebut tertangguh. Anak tersebut tetap dalam pemeliharaan dan dibesarkan oleh makciknya selama beberapa tahun. Pada suatu ketika, aku pergi dari rumah sepanjang hari. Mengira bahawa aku pergi untuk waktu yang lama, isteriku beranggapan tentunya aman untuk memanggil anak perempuannya untuk menikmati berkumpul dengannya beberapa waktu selama kepergianku.

Tiba-tiba aku mengubah fikiranku dan pulang ke rumah lebih cepat daripada yang diperkirakan. Ketika aku memasuki rumah, aku melihat seorang gadis kecil yang sangat cantik dan rapi bermain-main di rumah. Ketika aku melihat kepadanya, tiba-tiba muncul dalam diriku perasaan cinta yang tumbuh dengan tiba-tiba terhadapnya. Isteriku juga merasakan bahawa perasaanku dan yakin bahawa telah tumbuh cinta dan kasih sayang seorang bapa kepada anaknya dalam diriku terhadap anak tersebut. Aku bertanya kepada isteriku, “Wahai isteriku yang baik, anak siapakah ini? Betapa comelnya dia.”

Kemudian, isteriku bercerita kepadaku semuanya tentang anak tersebut. Aku tidak dapat mengawal diriku, dengan perasaan aku mengendongnya. Ibunya berkata kepadaku bahawa aku adalah bapanya dan anak tersebut mulai sangat mencintaiku dan sesekali memanggilku, “Wahai bapaku, wahai bapaku.” Pada saat itu, aku merasakan kebahagiaan yang tak dapat terlukiskan. Aku memeluknya sementara dia melingkarkan tangannya pada leherku. Hari demi hari berlalu dalam suasana seperti itu, dan anakku tetap dipelihara dan bebas dari kekhuatiran dan ketakutan. Tetapi, pada suatu saat, ketika aku memperhatikan dirinya, berbagai-bagai fikiran menghampiri diriku. Aku akan menjadi seorang bapa mertua seandainya dia ku berikan kepada seseorang untuk dinikahi. Aku akan mengalami kehinaan kerana anak wanitaku menjadi isteri seseorang.

Bagaimana mungkin aku sanggup berhadapan dengan orang? Semua kehormatan dan harga diriku akan runtuh. Fikiran ini menghantui diriku dan terus-menerus menyeksaku. Akhirnya, fikiran ini menimbulkan kegusaranku sehingga aku benar-benar telah hilang kesabaran. Kemudian, aku pun memutuskan untuk menghilangkan cela yang memalukan dan membuat hina bagiku dan nenek moyangku ini. Aku memutuskan akan mengubur anakku hidup-hidup.

Aku meminta isteriku agar anak gadisku bersiap-siap kerana aku akan mengajaknya untuk berpesta denganku. Isteriku memandikannya, memakaikan pakaian yang indah, dan memerintahkannya agar pergi denganku. Si gadis kecil itu pun sangat senang kerana mengira bahawa dia akan menemani bapanya pada acara yang membahagiakan. Aku mengajaknya pergi ke hutan. Anak itu pergi denganku dengan melompat-lompat kerana keriangan. Dia memegang tanganku, dan berjalan mendahuluiku. Dia banyak berbicara kerana keriangan dan tertawa-tawa.

Tetapi, aku telah menjadi buta melihat keriangan dan tingkah lakunya yang tak berdosa itu, dan aku tidak sabra agar segera terbebas daripadanya secepat mungkin. Gadis malang itu benar-benar tidak sedar akan maksud jahatku, dia mengikutiku dengan kegirangan. Akhirnya, aku berhenti di tempat yang indah dan mulai menggali tanah. Gadis tidak berdosa itu hairan melihat diriku melakukan hal itu dan berulang kali bertanya, “Ayah, kenapa engkau menggali tanah?” Tetapi aku tidak menghiraukan pertanyaannya. Bagaimana mungkin dia mengetahui bahawa aku sedang menggali lubang untuk mengubur anak wanitaku sendiri yang periang dan cantik dalam lubang itu dengan tanganku sendiri. Pada saat menggali tanah, debu-debu pun mengotori kaki dan pakaianku. Anakku membersihkan debu itu dari kaki dan pakaianku dan berkata, “Ayah, engkau telah mengotori pakaianmu.” Tetapi aku bagaikan seorang yang tuli, bahkan tidak menghiraukan untuk melihat kepadanya seakan-akan aku tidak mendengarnya sama sekali. Aku menggali lubang yang cukup besar agar tujuanku tercapai. Kemudian, dengan sedihnya aku melempar anak tak berdosa itu ke dalam lubang dan segera menimbunnya.

Anak yang malang itu melihat kepadaku dengan ketakutan dan kehairanan. Dengan penuh ketakutan, dia berteriak dan menangis, “Ayah, ayahku sayang, apa ini? Apa yang engkau lakukan, aku sama sekali tidak melakukan kesalahan apapun. Ayah, tolong ayah, kenapa engkau menyembunyikan ku di tanah?” Tetapi aku tetap melakukan pekerjaanku bagaikan orang yang bisu, tuli, dan buta tanpa sedikitpun menaruh perhatian terhadap permohonannya dan pujukannya. Wahai Rasulullah, aku terlalu kejam dan keji dan tidak mempunyai perasaan belas kasihan terhadapnya. Sebaliknya setelah mengubur anakku hidup-hidup, aku mendesah dengan perasaan lega dan merasa puas kerana kehormatanku dan harga diriku telah selamat daripada kehinaan.

* * *

Walaupun kisah ini tidak dipastikan sahih atau tidak, tetapi bagi Cleo, cukuplah kita mengetahui kisah ini sebagaimana kita mengetahui adat jahiliyah yang menanam anak-anak perempuan mereka hidup-hidup. Kerana apa? Hanya kerana menjaga maruah dan nama baik keturunan masing-masing. Jadi, bagi anda yang terlintas di hati untuk membuang anak kandungan sendiri, apakah anda lebih hina dari mereka yang jahil dahulu?

Cukup dengan kisah ini, telah membuatkan hati Cleo rasa terkilan teringatkan bayi-bayi yang kalian lempar merata-rata. Moga Allah ampuni kalian.

Sayu

Cleo

~ Creating Ideas, Developing Words ~

[ Farewell Party for VVIP of Life ]

With Allah's love

Assalamualykum my dear

Hola! Como estas? Bien? Estoy bien. Gracias. Haha. Rindu pulak dengan drama La Usurpadora. Heeeee.. Dear, lately I've been sooo... soooo.... home sick, I guess? I don't know what's the best phrase but I guess it is the best. Not that I wanna go home, I am home. It's just... I feel so sad for I have to move out in less than a month from now.. Not about feeling hurt, it's slightly if in Malay, we call it terkilan, I guess. Or... is it...? Hmmm

It's just.. I've been spending like a year and a half if I'm not mistaken living in this house. Of course, at first it's just about taking care of my uncle's properties for awhile but somehow, it felt homey here. Truly, even when my family move out from our home years ago, I didn't feel it this way. It's just.. I feel like I'm not ready yet to leave this house. Guess I had fallen in love.. to this building.. crazy, huh? haha

For others, this house might be a haunted house. But not for me. I feel safe and secure in here. You know, feels like when you are at a place and you feel like someone is taking care of you? Yeah, it is like that here. Even when I lived in a single room (hostel) before, it didn't make me feel safe at all. Every night with nightmares and afraid of stranger getting into the room or just anything. But not here. Alhamdulillah. Even though there are some unpleasant news around but still, I do feel safe here.

Let me tell you a story, of why it felt that way. At first, it was scary each time I came home but for several months, there's nothing to be afraid anymore. No matter what happened, no matter how late I had to stay out, I felt like I had to come home. Like, you know. When you go to school, you just want to come home because your mom's waiting with food etc. That feeling, you know what I mean? Felt belong to a place called, home. ^_^

It was because day after day, felt like someone been watching over me, taking care of me here. There's nothing to worry about. For instance, this didn't happen every time but there were several time when I slept and didn't perform my prayer, something will wake me up and remind me to pray. And this thing, really knows I'm afraid of cockroach so each time there's one in the house, it'll warn me of it (in a different way each time) so that I'll be prepared. And, this one, just happened on Monday, if I'm not mistaken. I was asleep in the living room with lights on (actually its kinda hard for me to sleep in a bright room) so I had to cover my eyes with my arm. In my heart, I wished to switch off the light right above my head but because of too tired and sleepy and of course too lazy to move, I just bare with it. And what surprised me, I slept like a baby till morning (which is impossible before if I slept in a bright room). And when I woke up, my eyes weren't dazzled by the lights.. because the light above my head was switched off. You know, for others, this situation might be somehow eerie but for me, well, it was, for a moment, but then it makes me feel like someone actually taking care of me, like my parents always did back at home. And there're always admonitions if I did something.. bad like you know, for example as Muslims it's not a good attitude to sleep with your feet at the same direction of qiblat, right? And whenever I did that, something will wake me up with a slap or most of the time, a dream (you may call it nightmares, I guess) to wake me up in a sudden and make sure I change my position. You know, all of these situations, doesn't it reminds you of parents at home? They actually did the same to their children, right? But this one, I usually would like to think of this way: He send His protection and care for me all this while. Thank you Allah, alhamdulillah. I'm grateful for this chance. It gave me lessons that no one can teach. Alhamdulillah ^_^

My dear darling, there were much more reasons for me to feel so homey here. And of course, it's bugging me too whenever I think of the neighbour. kui3. Well, my dear, please don't exaggerate and please don't judge it too early. It's not like I'm in love with him, it's just, well, I don't know how to say. It feels like I'm gonna lose a friend-from-home. How shall I say this. Hmm. It's like kids who hate moving out because they'll lose their play-time friends. Hmm. Something like that.

My dear, all my life, every person I met said to me they were afraid of me at our first encounter. Too afraid even to say "hi". They always criticized me and said I need to smile more when encountering people especially for the first time. But him? I had never talked to him, never even tried to look at him, not even a single smile or eye contact. Yet, he tried every single thing he can, to make sure I talked to him. Or at least, recognized his presence. For his first try, I can say, he was totally rejected. I totally ignored him (which you know, I'm a pro in it), didn't even look back at him. It's like he's not even existed. Poor him, felt very guilty afterwards. hahaha. For other people, I guess they'll just say I'm such an arrogant. But then, he never gave up. Seems like he didn't even bother labeling me like others do. After that day, for every single day, every time he knows I was at home, he tried every thing he could do, just to "tell" me he's home. haha. He'd come outside and do chores whenever I was outside the house. He even washed his car frequently in a week! And he did that permanently for weeks until that day, at last, we got the chance for a little chit chat. Well, it was mainly because I can't hold my laugh when he did something stupid, and both of us knew, it was stupid. haha. Well, I really do appreciate people who try hard to make friends with me. Who didn't, right? And, with this kind of environment (of the neighbourhood), it is a relief to actually get a friend of your own age or so. At last, you have someone who talks using your language, know what I mean? huhu.

My dear, dear darling. This is really bugging me. And this time, it really is effecting my emotions every day. Why is it so hard to leave... But I know, how can I stay while this property isn't mine. Oh my... how hard can this be.. But, it's okay. It is what it is. Whether I want to go on or not, this thing are happening and I have to be prepared. I wish, that I can manage to have my own house, a house that can give me such pleasant and homey feeling like this one, insya-Allah. May Allah grant me this wish, ameen. I have to work harder to make sure I try my very best to realize this dream, insya-Allah. Dear, pray for me please. Be with me, please.

It's hard to find a home, and it's hard to feel at home, even when you're home.

Cry me a river
Cleo
~ Creating Ideas, Developing Words ~