Saturday, July 3, 2010

[ Why So Serious? ]

With Allah's love
Assalamu'alykum to my dear diary

Dear, did you remember those times? When I used to tell my stories to your cute lil blue sister? I missed her so much, you know. I missed the time that I wrote her stories. Stories of what happened to me all day, all exciting days, hurting days, boring days, joyful days. Surely is, she'll miss me too, I guess. =)

You know, on my birthday, lots of things had happened. And those things, keep coming to me each day and night till now. And I kept asking, is it some kind of a sign or something? Because, deep in my heart, I can feel like something I really am afraid of, trying to avoid all this time might happen to me soon. Sooner than I thought. Dear, it really scares me.

It's not the 1st time people said to me, "Not to be choosy.", "When it came, just accept it.", "Why should you push something good aside?"

Dear, it wasn't because of me, trying to choose the best person. It's because of here, this little deep friend inside here that can't accept it at this time. People kept saying things, even my own close friends. They kept saying why do I always get to know Mr. Perfect, Prince Charming, Mr Darcy, and what-so-ever-they-named-him but still, I just let them go or even worse, scares them away. They said, and keep those words keep coming even from people who's not very close and know me. Yet, I just give them the same blur or do-I-look-like-I-care-?-face. That's the only choice I have, though. What else can I say?

Before, I didn't really take note of all this crap they were talking but now, when it happens many times on the same night, it just kept in my head and won't go away. With the weird attitude of my long time enemy, plus the appearance of one person that I 'chased away' on my final exam last semester, this really getting weirder. "I'm honest to be friend with you" message won't be enough for me to accept a gent I didn't even know his name, only numbers. Tell me about it when I received lots of the same messages from people I know that turns out to be something not worth it, not to talk those I didn't even recognize them. Please, I lost lots of my time and money enjoying my life before with my friends, and I wish not to make the same mistakes over and over again. Once is enough for me because I don't believe in second chance. And I do wish that no one will ever involve me into their life ever when lastly, no one gets anything worth the price.

Dear, can I ask you a question here? Am I an alien or something? Because those people told me that I'm unpredictable and my mind set is different. And most likely, they left me after saying those words. Well, of course not all of them. Whatever. That's not the point.

The point is, dear, can you help me out here? Or say, do I need to go for a counseling session? Well, I bet the counselor will also not be able to identify my problem. Huhu.

All of this time, I've been trying to forget about these crap thing, you know, even though it kept happening to me no matter where I go. But then, somehow, it reminds me of someone. Someone I had forgotten for years. Someone that I used to share the stories with your little blue sister. Someone I met or shall I say, happened to be my inspiration when I was in Form 4 and 5.

Seriously, how can I forget about that person? The person who managed to make me feel always be a part of this world. Someone who's so far but yet, near to my heart. I used to call him, Mr. R. I bet your little sister was too bored to hear his name again. =)

Oh, and don't be so ridiculous. He's not my first love of course. He's just someone I was meant to meet, to give me hope when I'm losing it. I still remember that day, when he stares at me for my clumsiness. I accidentally dropped  my spoon and spill the fruit cocktail. And that day, when me and my dorm mate took out the wrong plate and get scolded by the hostel's canteen worker we called, Pak Cik Roy (may Allah bless his soul, amin). The time he used to come and take the seat in front of me at lunch and dinner time, and that day when he watched me playing volleyball from his dorm's corridor or from the football field, when he always take the chance to play the volleyball and wait for me to passed through the court, coming back to hostel from my home.

And, of course I still remember, the place he used to sit and watched me reading my book, behind that tall and big tree next to his block, waiting for his friend to come down and go to the class together. It's all happened too fast before I realized that somehow, I have a similarity with him. Both of us, got into the same class. He used to be in 4 AR and 5 IK, the same class I was destined to be in when I'm in Form 4 and 5. You can't guess which class you'll be in next year when it was the system doing all the work, can you?

To tell you the truth, at first, I didn't even know his name and what class he's in. He's not a handsome guy, didn't really care about his style but still keep himself smart looking. Height? He's not the one to be in the competition for a model to tell you the truth. He's just a few centimeters from me. How do I know? Because he had once, conduct my group for a jungle trekking.

One thing I remember about him, he's a nice person although his face shows like he's a snob. To everybody. Teachers love him, his friends respect him even though he's just a normal guy, like everybody else. Maybe it's because of his ancestors and his name, I guess.

I do know things about him, much more than he knew about me, I guess. Of course I didn't ask people around but people talk, and I listen (because my friends love gossiping while we're eating all 12 of us everyday). Girls, I miss those precious time. =)

I admit, reminding him makes me smiles. Usually, when I remember of someone, somehow I just wanna forget about him as fast as I could and keep cursing myself but today, that moment, I didn't do what I usually do. Instead, I just smile and puff! I forget about all those crap and feel so light. Hah. Hyperbola.

But, well, I guess there's nothing to say more, my dear. This guy is not the reason why I keep pushing anyone else aside. Like I said, he's just someone I was meant to meet. It is my heart, and myself that can't accept that kind of relationship. My so-called enemy use to say, it's because I'm one of the ABC (anti-boys Club), back there at school. but for me, I got into that group unintentionally. It was because majority of my girl friends were in it, so people thought I was one of them. But still, I have to admit. ABC didn't mean I reject the existence of guys in my life but it's for me to keep my distance from them. I still can accept them as my friends but to have faith, and have some kind of bond, I don't think so. There's a lot for me to think of rather than that kind of thing.

I do, have lots of friends. Guys and gals, gents and ladies. All of them are my friends, equals. We have fun time together, and sometime shares our sadness together too. But to have that kind of relationship? I have to say, I am sorry. It isn't the time yet for me. 

So, why so serious? (My cousin's favourite quote from the Joker, Batman). And if, you are real serious to know me, you do have to show up and let me know at least who you are, as all I know my friends. Plus, not to forget, I still have my parents who at least one of them, knows my friends.

Well, my dear diary. I guess this one is a really long story I told you. I hope you wouldn't mind at all to carry it now, would you? Ciao. =)

~ Creating Ideas, Developing Words ~
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