Wednesday, December 30, 2009

[ My Dear Puxle ]

With Allah's love
Assalamu'alykum to all

Just forgive and forget, that's what I'll do. Ready, set, GO! ~ erasing everything leaving nothing.

Okay, now, I want to talk about a very happy and pleasing news to me. It's supposed to be published last two or three days ago but I didn't have the chance to publish it.

But its okay, now I have it.

Well, last two days, I've finished my puzzle within 26 hours and 20 minutes! How I love it so much! Yay! =P

The Puxle I

Looking at this completed puxle gives me satisfaction. And now, I think I'm gonna need to go and buy a new one. =)

~ Creating Ideas, Developing Words ~

[ It's Not What It Seems ]

With Allah's love
Assalamu'alykum to all

"It's not what it seems."
A quote from The Swan Princess, said by Prince Derek when he read a book in the library.

I used to wonder, when can I say those words and make it part of my life. And, hey! Look at me. I knew it will come, sooner or later.

"It is time." Quote from The Lion King, said by the baboon to Simba.

And now, officially, I want to cry it out loud:

It's not what it seems...!!!!!!

Please, I need some air right now.

Why do people have to be like this...? Why do they have to think like this...? Is it because of what I've done..? Is it because of what I've been 'transformed' to...? Is it a wrong thing to do in my life or what...?
Trying to be nice and humble to everyone, trying to change my world towards a better place and trying to be a better person than before... Is it...?

Am I not allowed to be...?

I can't do this, it will become like this;
I can't do that, you are not allowed to;
Not this one, not to him/her;
No, of course not that one, you are going too easy;
Forget it, you just can't.

I'm suffocating ...

What's all this...?!

I don't understand. I thought I could run away from this kind of situation. But now, it seems like it's happening again. I don't know, for the fourth? Or maybe the fifth? No no no. I've been trying to run away since that year, but now it shows another dead end.

Every time, anywhere I go. It just won't let me go. Other people always wanting for it but not me. They always talk about it and make me sick of it, sick of them. What's wrong with all of you...? Is it me the one who's not normal or its just you can't stop thinking about it...?

Please, I told you for hundreds time, you've got the wrong person to talk about this. It doesn't mean that you just have to stop talking about it in front me, you too have to stop thinking of pulling me into this subject.

Please, oh please...

I was trying to make things right, but it doesn't mean I have something else to do with it.

I don't care if people says I've been secularized for having that kind of thinking, but I do, I really do know what I've been holding to. I'm just ... It's just ... Can I say that I'm heartless? Is it the best word to describe me? I don't know.

But whatever it is, I tried my best to help people, every person who for me need to be helped out. It's not like they can't do it by themselves. It's just, after what I've been through all these years, I don't bear to see other people getting hurt just because of small mistakes that hey shouldn't do. I just want to save them from doing the same mistakes I did, long before. Because those mistakes, I can see, will leave them a very big impact in their life. They need to be waken up. I see no one in the rescue, and I can't just leave those people on their own when they actually can be a very successful person by doing what they love to do for all of the time in their life.

I've lost mine, and I promised myself not to let anybody else to lose their's.

Oh come on! I'm sick of all this. Why do I have to care so much? Why do I have to think of it so much?

I'm sick of being me, of being who I am today. A stupid person, trying to make things right and so-called-perfect. Argh! Perfectionist, what's that, huh? Just a word that gives me trouble all the time. Making things look perfect when I shouldn't interrupt, when I should just go away and 'clear' myself from that thing. That...that..argh...!! That troublesome thing. Just get the elf out of my life...!!!!!!

I didn't mean to disobey You by questioning about what's it with my life, etc. But, I just need one best answer to my questions: Why do I have to repeat this moment again for zillion time? Why it didn't happen to all those people who had been asking it for so long, and talked about it all the time in front of me and keep questioning why am I the one to be part in it? Oh God. I don't know how because I didn't ask for it. I ask for peacefulness in my life, the freedom from being in those speculations every day in my life.

Why can't you people just leave that matter behind and start thinking of yourself, your future, your dream life instead of making yourself busy thinking about it..?  I just don't get it.

Argh...!!! I;m sick of it! I'm sick of this life! I'm sick of being me!

~ Creating Ideas, Developing Words ~

Saturday, December 26, 2009

[ Sharing Something ]

With Allah's Love
Assalamu'alykum to all

Today, I had the time to check my zillions of e-mails while waiting for the help from my friends to complete my tasks. I found this one forwarded by a colleague and it was something worth to be shared with anyone out there.

So, on this happy rainy day, have fun reading and take something back with you today. Ciao.
 The e-mail wrote;

Siapakah orang yang sibuk?Orang yang sibuk adalah orang yang tidak mengambil berat akan waktu solatnya seolah-olah ia mempunyai kerajaan seperti kerajaan Nabi Sulaiman a.s 

Siapakah orang yang manis senyumanya?Orang yang mempunyai senyuman yang manis adalah orang yang ditimpa musibah lalu dia kata "Inna lillahi wainna illaihi rajiuun." Lalu sambil berkata,"Ya Rabbi Aku redha dengan ketentuanMu ini", sambil mengukir senyuman.. 

Siapakah orang yang kaya?Orang yang kaya adalah orang yang bersyukur dengan apa yang ada dan tidak lupa akan kenikmatan dunia yang sementara ini.... 

Siapakah orang yang miskin?Orang yang miskin adalah orang tidak puas dengan nikmat yang ada sentiasa menumpuk-numpukkan harta. 

Siapakah orang yang rugi?Orang yang rugi adalah orang yang sudah sampai usia pertengahan namun masih berat untuk melakukan ibadat dan amal-amal kebaikan. 

Siapakah orang yang paling cantik?Orang yang paling cantik adalah orang yang mempunyai akhlak yang baik. 

Siapakah orang yang mempunyai rumah yang paling luas?Orang yang mempunyai rumah yang paling luas adalah orang yang mati membawa amal-amal kebaikan di mana kuburnya akan di perluaskan saujana mata memandang. 

Siapakah orang yang mempunyai rumah yang sempit lagi dihimpit? Orang yang mempunyai rumah yang sempit adalah orang yang mati tidak membawa amal-amal kebaikkan lalu kuburnya menghimpitnya. 

Siapakah orang yang mempunyai akal?Orang yang mempunyai akal adalah orang-orang yang menghuni syurga kelak kerana telah mengunakan akal sewaktu di dunia untuk menghindari seksa neraka.. 

Siapakah orang yg Kedekut?Orang yg kedekut ialah orang yg membiarkan ilmu yang ada pada dirinya begitu sahaja, malah dia tidak menyampaikan pula pada orang lain.

~ Creating Ideas, Developing Words ~

Thursday, December 24, 2009

[ Minta Maaf ]

Assalamu'alykum to you

Hate me if u want to... Leave me if u want to... Forget me as soon as you want to... 

'Cuz I won't blame u for anything u'll do,

when it's my fault leaving u behind after deciding to give u space in here,

when it's my fault just starting to let u be in my life after so long we knew each other,

when it's my fault to let u be on ur own after vowing to myself that u are a good friend n I shan't disappoint u,

when it's my fault to betray and break the rules of friendship at the starting point...

And when it's my fault for still can't understand u well enough...

I'm sorry for what I did...

And I'm sorry for being me, a fool who can't even think wise enough and being so selfish.


Wednesday, December 23, 2009

[ I Just Can't ]

I can't ... I just can't ... How weak am I actually?

I can't keep my words even for one day ...

I broke the rule of 'NO MONEY NO TALK' just a few days ago ... I just can't say NO to them ... How stupid am I actually ... ?

I broke the rule 'SERIOUS' just a few days ago ... I just can't when I saw how happy they are to see me again with their happy faces ... I can't help myself to broke their heart when they see me in a SERIOUS mode ...

I broke both rules in just few days, and I don't know when will it be for the others.

How weak I am ...?


I can't hold it any longer, as the cut is getting bigger and bigger day by day. The hurts getting deeper and deeper and I'm afraid I cant hold on to it anymore...

I tried to hide but I can't. Because this world has no hiding places.

I tried to hold but I can't. Because this heart is getting weaker.

I tried to accept but I can't. Because I fear there's no more faith left for myself.

I tried to go on but I can't. Because I ... I'm not on the path with all my heart.

I tried to find the answers but I can't. Because ... I'm just a stupid person.

I tried to live with it but I can't. Because ... I'm just a useless person.

I tried to walk with it but I can't. Because ... I lost the strength long ago and still can't find it back.

I tried to put it aside but I can't. Because I lost too much and ignorance just can't help me out.

I tried to search for myself, like I used to be long ago but I can't. Because it's been a very long way since I lost it.

I can't ... I just can't ...

I lived this life so long, and somehow, I made myself looked like a fool.

At that moment, I'd never thought that 'it' will make me regret all my life. I was just being a fool to ignore it and not to stand up and get it as much as my heart wanting for it.

I just can't believe it ...

Every single mistake I did was the impact of it to my life. Every single choice I made just keep ruining me and my life from that starting moment. I just can't believe how stupid I am.

And now, I just can't believe I still can't stop regretting about that moment and how it made my life to be like this. How ungrateful I am ... Yes, I knew it but I can't stop myself from kept thinking about it till today ...

I lost my dream life for 'it' for somehow people said I will be rewarded for this later. But all I could see is I won't be rewarded because I'm just not the one. It wasn't supposed to be me in the first place. My heart and my soul had gone since that moment. There're no more sincerity left in me to live this kind of life. I just can't accept a life with no sincerity in my heart. What is a life meant to me when nothing is in my soul ...

Why me ... ? Why it must be me ... ? I see nothing in me that can give 'it' advantages. I'm just a piece of junk that will just make it looks horrible to others. Why me ... ? I just can't accept it when I don't know the reason. She has a lot more strength than me but why it wasn't her to be the one? I see him as the perfect person in this but why it wasn't him? He's got the gut, he's got skills, he's got the bravery but why it wasn't him?

My stupidity and foolishness brought me here, stuck in this forever because I can't see the way out. Everybody kept telling me it's too late. And me, myself knew it too.

I can't ... I can't go on like this ... This isn't me ... This is absolutely not me ... I'm just going to be the black sheep to 'this' ...

Please ... I know the time can't be undone and I will not ask for it. And I know I am being a selfish by asking this ... but, I just want to get out of 'here' and be me,  myself. Just me and not her ... How long must it takes to live this 'life'? How far shall I go to live this kind of 'life'?

I can't ... I just can't ...


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

[ A... What...? ]

With Allah's love
Assalamu'alykum to all

Just now, I'd just log on to SMPWEB to have a look at my 1st sem result and it came out negatively(means not like what I expected). It some kind of disappointing but still, I'm satisfied with it. Of course, its actually my fault. Everything I did will get paid, because nothing comes free in this world.

Yet, I shall not be down now. It's time to move on and strive for the next level in my life. You see, to calm me down, I did some research and found this article that really gives me some relief actually.

It's about person who was born on June 27th.

Well, I've been thinking of this thing for days and now I think it is time to make myself clear with it.

This was prepared for my 2nd sem.

Theme: BLACK
- serious

- professional
- no more stupid games on weekdays (stop wasting time)

- top priority : No MONEY No TALK (or shall I say, "No advantages to me? Then, move aside, buddy.")
- talk : straight to the point or you'll counter an interrogation
- no more crap : searching here and there about something not worth it (only me who knows, and if ya wanna know, come and ask for it)
- let them talk, I'll just do my work (by ignoring them of course)

I really hope it will help me a lot, countering my problems. I know, this wasn't the best but I can't just sit and hoping someone will come out and help me cause it never happens. I need to wake up.


You know no one will stand out for you like you did to them cause all of them around you never care about you. Wake up and stop hoping!

It's okay for you to help people but you had to think for yourself starting NOW.

Oh Allah, do help me for this time.

~ Creating Ideas, Developing Words ~