Saturday, August 15, 2015

[ Delima Sedap, Dilema Tak ]

With Allah's love
Assalamu'alykum, my dear


Dah mengantuk sebenarnya ni, tapi terasa nak bebel jugak. Kejap. Hehe.

Bukan apa. Dua tiga hari ni, berjumpa semula dengan sahabat-sahabat seperjuangan. And some of them, masih bersemangat teruskan perjuangan further their studies, pursuing PhD. Jeles terasa, sebab hati Cleo dah semakin giving up nak level up to PhD. MA ni pun terasa macam hampir tak lepas. Terfikir pulak hutang PTPTN and MARA yang tak berbayar lagi. Aduhai.

Umur makin tua, kalau go on jugak untuk PhD, mana nak cekau duit bayar hutang? Sara hidup? Takkan nak harapkan PaMa lagi. Aduh!

Penatnya rasa. Nak cari kerja tetap, bertembung dengan penulisan yang tak lepas-lepas lagi ni. Tambah pulak contract dengan YADIM and MPWIM belum habis, padahal bukan dapat gaji bulan-bulan pun. Bikin hangin ja tiap kali pikir. Next month, nak tampung cost untuk teruskan research dengan tema MPWIM punya hal, I agreed to make another contract, also as a research assistant. Tak terbayang beban kerja yang bakal menanti woit!

Kerja freelance script polisher tu pun, kalau continue lepas ni, cukup untuk lepas sewa bilik bulan-bulan ja la rasanya. Wuisy. Kena ketat lagi disiplin belanja bulan-bulan la lepas ni. Tidak, tak balik kampung la Cleo jawabnya. Tamo! Nak balik kampung tiap-tiap bulan! That's the only way to get some rest from the hectic and stressful life ni.

Of course, ada orang yang anggap all of the sealed deal are not worth it. But I had no choice. The only thing yang berguna in me is my brain. Ni ja yang boleh guna untuk buat duit. So kira okay la lagi setakat ni all of the contracts I made, or will be. I don't think it's gonna be a burden, as long as I got paid la. Kalau tak, it really is a waste of time. Precious time. Yang sepatutnya boleh bantu kewangan and simpanan for future. Nak tunggu SPA, memang tak lah. Orang yang dah mohon 5 6 tahun pun dok pending lagi, ni kan pulak kita. Ayyooo.

Kebanyakan orang yang rapat dengan Cleo suggest me to do some sort of business. The truth, I'm totally out of it. I don't have the skills, and passion for it. Like I said tadi la, all I have is my brain. All I could do is to sell my ideas. Because that's all I have. Bila ideas yang dijual tak dibayar dengan setimpal, itulah yang jadi tak berbaloi tu. Tapi apa nak dikata, orang yang better dari kita pun terkena sama. Hmmm.

I'm not sure what's my point here tapi Cleo cuma rasa Cleo nak luah semua stress sebelum mula bulan 9 ni. So that Cleo dapat harung bulan 9 ni with all my might, to survive. And yes, Cleo kena beringat selalu, my missions starting this September are:

- help my parents and siblings as much as I can
- bayar PTPTN & MARA slowly
- save up money as much as I can
(simpanan untuk PhD - insyaAllah)
- focus for THESIS, RESEARCH TEAM I and RESEARCH TEAM II only

Cuma... masih dalam dilema. Questions begin to flood in my head.

- berbaloi ka nak teruskan sampai ke PhD ni?
- sebenarnya, apa yang Cleo nak dengan PhD ni?
- do I really need to go further?

And. Sirius jeles and tertanya-tanya, how did they manage to think about marriage when I don't. Dari degree sampai sekarang, tak jumpa masa yang sesuai nak think about it seriously. Sorry mom, I'm not trying to argue with you about this.

Hah. Ntah lah. Makin terasa nak give up the stupid dream, day after day. Nampak makin tak relevan kenapa dulu Cleo semangat tinggi nak ke Jepun, nak buat research tu, nak fulfil that one secret dream. Buang masa. Sheeeessshhhhh.





Melepaskan genggaman
Cleo
~ Creating Ideas, Developing Words ~
Post a Comment