[ It's Not What It Seems ]

With Allah's love

Assalamu'alykum to all

"It's not what it seems."

A quote from The Swan Princess, said by Prince Derek when he read a book in the library.

I used to wonder, when can I say those words and make it part of my life. And, hey! Look at me. I knew it will come, sooner or later.

"It is time." Quote from The Lion King, said by the baboon to Simba.

And now, officially, I want to cry it out loud:

It's not what it seems...!!!!!!

Please, I need some air right now.

Why do people have to be like this...? Why do they have to think like this...? Is it because of what I've done..? Is it because of what I've been 'transformed' to...? Is it a wrong thing to do in my life or what...?

Trying to be nice and humble to everyone, trying to change my world towards a better place and trying to be a better person than before... Is it...?

Am I not allowed to be...?

I can't do this, it will become like this;

I can't do that, you are not allowed to;

Not this one, not to him/her;

No, of course not that one, you are going too easy;

Forget it, you just can't.

I'm suffocating ...

What's all this...?!

I don't understand. I thought I could run away from this kind of situation. But now, it seems like it's happening again. I don't know, for the fourth? Or maybe the fifth? No no no. I've been trying to run away since that year, but now it shows another dead end.

Every time, anywhere I go. It just won't let me go. Other people always wanting for it but not me. They always talk about it and make me sick of it, sick of them. What's wrong with all of you...? Is it me the one who's not normal or its just you can't stop thinking about it...?

Please, I told you for hundreds time, you've got the wrong person to talk about this. It doesn't mean that you just have to stop talking about it in front me, you too have to stop thinking of pulling me into this subject.

Please, oh please...

I was trying to make things right, but it doesn't mean I have something else to do with it.

I don't care if people says I've been secularized for having that kind of thinking, but I do, I really do know what I've been holding to. I'm just ... It's just ... Can I say that I'm heartless? Is it the best word to describe me? I don't know.

But whatever it is, I tried my best to help people, every person who for me need to be helped out. It's not like they can't do it by themselves. It's just, after what I've been through all these years, I don't bear to see other people getting hurt just because of small mistakes that hey shouldn't do. I just want to save them from doing the same mistakes I did, long before. Because those mistakes, I can see, will leave them a very big impact in their life. They need to be waken up. I see no one in the rescue, and I can't just leave those people on their own when they actually can be a very successful person by doing what they love to do for all of the time in their life.

I've lost mine, and I promised myself not to let anybody else to lose their's.

Oh come on! I'm sick of all this. Why do I have to care so much? Why do I have to think of it so much?

I'm sick of being me, of being who I am today. A stupid person, trying to make things right and so-called-perfect. Argh! Perfectionist, what's that, huh? Just a word that gives me trouble all the time. Making things look perfect when I shouldn't interrupt, when I should just go away and 'clear' myself from that thing. That...that..argh...!! That troublesome thing. Just get the elf out of my life...!!!!!!

I didn't mean to disobey You by questioning about what's it with my life, etc. But, I just need one best answer to my questions: Why do I have to repeat this moment again for zillion time? Why it didn't happen to all those people who had been asking it for so long, and talked about it all the time in front of me and keep questioning why am I the one to be part in it? Oh God. I don't know how because I didn't ask for it. I ask for peacefulness in my life, the freedom from being in those speculations every day in my life.

Why can't you people just leave that matter behind and start thinking of yourself, your future, your dream life instead of making yourself busy thinking about it..?  I just don't get it.

Argh...!!! I;m sick of it! I'm sick of this life! I'm sick of being me!

Cleo
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