[ I Just Can't ]

I can't ... I just can't ... How weak am I actually?

I can't keep my words even for one day ...

I broke the rule of 'NO MONEY NO TALK' just a few days ago ... I just can't say NO to them ... How stupid am I actually ... ?

I broke the rule 'SERIOUS' just a few days ago ... I just can't when I saw how happy they are to see me again with their happy faces ... I can't help myself to broke their heart when they see me in a SERIOUS mode ...

I broke both rules in just few days, and I don't know when will it be for the others.

How weak I am ...?

***

I can't hold it any longer, as the cut is getting bigger and bigger day by day. The hurts getting deeper and deeper and I'm afraid I cant hold on to it anymore...

I tried to hide but I can't. Because this world has no hiding places.

I tried to hold but I can't. Because this heart is getting weaker.

I tried to accept but I can't. Because I fear there's no more faith left for myself.

I tried to go on but I can't. Because I ... I'm not on the path with all my heart.

I tried to find the answers but I can't. Because ... I'm just a stupid person.

I tried to live with it but I can't. Because ... I'm just a useless person.

I tried to walk with it but I can't. Because ... I lost the strength long ago and still can't find it back.

I tried to put it aside but I can't. Because I lost too much and ignorance just can't help me out.

I tried to search for myself, like I used to be long ago but I can't. Because it's been a very long way since I lost it.

I can't ... I just can't ...

I lived this life so long, and somehow, I made myself looked like a fool.

At that moment, I'd never thought that 'it' will make me regret all my life. I was just being a fool to ignore it and not to stand up and get it as much as my heart wanting for it.

I just can't believe it ...

Every single mistake I did was the impact of it to my life. Every single choice I made just keep ruining me and my life from that starting moment. I just can't believe how stupid I am.

And now, I just can't believe I still can't stop regretting about that moment and how it made my life to be like this. How ungrateful I am ... Yes, I knew it but I can't stop myself from kept thinking about it till today ...

I lost my dream life for 'it' for somehow people said I will be rewarded for this later. But all I could see is I won't be rewarded because I'm just not the one. It wasn't supposed to be me in the first place. My heart and my soul had gone since that moment. There're no more sincerity left in me to live this kind of life. I just can't accept a life with no sincerity in my heart. What is a life meant to me when nothing is in my soul ...

Why me ... ? Why it must be me ... ? I see nothing in me that can give 'it' advantages. I'm just a piece of junk that will just make it looks horrible to others. Why me ... ? I just can't accept it when I don't know the reason. She has a lot more strength than me but why it wasn't her to be the one? I see him as the perfect person in this but why it wasn't him? He's got the gut, he's got skills, he's got the bravery but why it wasn't him?

My stupidity and foolishness brought me here, stuck in this forever because I can't see the way out. Everybody kept telling me it's too late. And me, myself knew it too.

I can't ... I can't go on like this ... This isn't me ... This is absolutely not me ... I'm just going to be the black sheep to 'this' ...

Please ... I know the time can't be undone and I will not ask for it. And I know I am being a selfish by asking this ... but, I just want to get out of 'here' and be me,  myself. Just me and not her ... How long must it takes to live this 'life'? How far shall I go to live this kind of 'life'?

I can't ... I just can't ...


Cleo