[ Terkesan Di Hati ]

With Allah's love

Assalamualykum my dear

I'm not sure how to say this but it really hurts. And I'm not sure either it's my fault or not. Why? Why didn't I know about this earlier..? Why now? Ya Allah. Sangat terkesan di hati. Tambah pulak after what happened last two weeks or so. After all these, why now? Ya Allah, ya Allah, ya Allah.. Before, I thought I managed to understand why did all these happened. But now, it starting to confuse me. Ya Allah, if only I have the courage to ask. But I'm afraid, of lots of things that might change after I take the step forward. But still it hurts if I didn't know the truth. Ya Allah.. Why now? Why don't you just keep it as a secret like before? Why? Why now?

It hurts that I don't know what else to do
Cleo
~ Creating Ideas, Developing Words ~

[ A Little Prayer ]

With Allah's love

Assalamu'alykum my dear

Hari ni, banyak yang jadi. Terlalu banyak sampai rasanya, perlukan masa yang agak panjang utk consume semua sekali.

mcm mna pn korg cuba, bg korg, mgkin itu yg terbaik utk sy.. tp sedar atau tidak, Dia lebih mengetahui.. korg boleh cuba utk mengawal hidup sy, tp tidak mungkin utk mnutup kebenaran.. sebab Dia tahu, sy berhak utk tahu apa yg patut sy tahu..

mode: agak kecewa tapi tak boleh nak buat apa.. sb syg sy masih ad utk korg.. thanx for trying the best for me.. dari hati ini: xkan pernah membenci ~~

Ni status fb, tak de niat nak sakiti hati sesiapa, cuma nak luahkan, supaya diorang tahu apa yg kita rasa sekarang ni. Tak benci, tak marah, cuma terkesan di hati, terasa di jantung. Tak tahu lah, orang lain macam mana, but for me, memang dari dulu tak suka anyone else cuba control the way I live my life. Ye, tahu, diorang buat macam tu sebab diorang sayang sy, tak nak tengok sy jadi worst. Tapi.. I don't know. Bagi sy, sy tak suka bila sy bertanya, orang yg berkaitan tu buat-buat tak tahu, berlakon real, kaw-kaw rasa kena tipu yg dia memang tak tahu the answer.

Allah nak tunjuk, walaupun sy stop, cukup setakat pertanyaan sy tak dapat jawapan, tapi Allah nak tunjuk. Memang kuasa Dia semua ni. Memang Dia nak sy tahu jawapan untuk soalan-soalan sy ni. Allah nak tunjuk. Rupanya diorang semua tu sebenarnya lied to me. Just because of a man, they lied to me. How can that be.

Ye lah, sy sedar. The last Allah nak tunjuk, the final touch is tonight. Hanya perbualan kosong, antara sahabat yg dah lama tak bersembang. Sy sedar, betapa lemahnya sy dipandangan diorang. Hmm. Hakikat tu memang tak boleh diubah dah. For years, I've been trying all I can. To show the prove, at least to myself, that I can manage to live my life on my own, I can do it on my own, I know how to take care of myself. Tapi semua tu sia-sia. Sangat terasa sia-sia. I'm useless. Status manja tu memang tak boleh buang. Langsung. Seriously, sekarang ni, rasa macam living like a doll.

Baru ja nak rasa tenang when my parents mula believe I can manage to do things they usually didn't allow me to do it myself. Baru ja nak rasa, okay, now I am growing up, becoming someone. I guess... Hmm.. Ntah.. Tak tau lagi lepas ni what will happen. More will come but I don't wanna talk about things I'm not sure. Yang pasti sekarang ni, serious rasa kecewa gila bila diorang sendiri tak percaya that I can manage my own life.

Tapi apa pun, He is the only one yang percaya, I can do it. It is time to show to myself, I've grown up. He believes in me. Because He knows, it is time for me to look at the prove. Seriously, sy nampak kuasa Allah dalam hal ni. Semua kebenaran yg diorang tutup, kejap ja Allah tunjuk, one by one. And Allah serah sepenuhnya utk sy, tugas yg sangat simple, cukup dengan satu ayat and all of them, mengaku sendiri. Simple. Terserlah apa yg diorang cuba cover. Subhanallah. Allah dah kata, buatlah apa yg nak buat tapi bila Dia kata Kun!, segala rahsia paling top secret pun boleh tahu jugak. Hmm.

Sy tak benci, sebab tak jumpa reason nak membenci diorang. Diorang sangat baik, sebab cuba utk elak dari sy terluka lebih teruk, bagi pandangan diorang. Tak nak sy jadi lebih teruk, itu pandangan diorang. Kasihan. Pity. Korang, pity itu perlu, tapi bukan utk setiap situasi. Especially bila sy sendiri offer to ask you for the first time. Susah sangat ke nak say the truth you know? Sy nak buat apa lepas tu, non of your business. Melainkan korang anggap sy masih belum mampu utk jaga diri sy sendiri, barulah korang anggap sy tak patut tahu. Lebih baik dirahsiakan. Hmm. I don't know. Cuma this is not the way I know about life. Truth, shall not be kept from those who had the rights to know.

Hmm. Tak pa lah. Things dah jadi, Allah dah selesaikan semua penserabutan yg korang sendiri timbulkan. Berlapang dada lah duhai sahabat-sahabat ku. Sesungguhnya sayangku pada korang tak pernah hilang. Kecewa itu perkara biasa tapi tak bermakna sy membenci. Berlapang dada lah. Tak perlu lagi korang pikul beban tu. Buang lah jauh-jauh. Sy dah tahu segala-galanya. Alhamdulillah, thanx to Him.

It is hard to get out of the life of a spoil brat
Cleo
~ Creating Ideas, Developing Words ~

[ Losing Them.. Am I..? ]

With Allah's love

Assalamualykum my dear

It's been days now that tears can't be separated from me. Why? Because of two news I got from my closest friends. Today, alhamdulillah, Miss W is engaged to someone who had been waiting for her all these years. Alhamdulillah. Congratulation! And another one, Mr A also met someone in his life. Of course, it's not an engagement yet but you know, it is impossible if a serious relationship ends up nothing right? huhu. Anyway, congratulation too for you, dear. I hope she's the one you've been searching all this time. Aamiin.

Hmm. Tears? I can't stop them from falling. Why? Because I see someone close to me going away step by step. I know, this might not be the end of our friendship but things will be different now. I can't ask Miss W to be with anytime I want, everywhere I have to go because I don't want bad things to happen to her. If something did happen when she's with me, I'll be regretful all my life because she didn't manage to get married as she planned. Same goes to Mr A. I can't call him anytime I want, and I guess I shall back off from his life a bit to make sure I'm not the one interrupting his moments with the lady he chose. I don't want to be an evil or something.

So I guess, I'm losing them, the closest friend I ever had in my life. And that's why I just can't stop the tears, I just don't know how to. After this, there's no one for me to share the moments with, I guess. I don't know. But above all, I pray for Miss W and Mr A happiness, and I hope they will always be better muslim who try to complete their Islam. Congratulation to both of you!! ^.^

Tiada pengganti dirimu
Cleo
~ Creating Ideas, Developing Words ~

[ Journey to the North ]

With Allah's love

Assalamu'alykum my dear

Loooooong time no seeee!!! Mish me? Well I mish you :p

Hmm. Alhamdulillah, just got back from Penang, my hometown. Allah. Too much to say. Same goes to the emotions. Too much to feel I say. Hmm.

Yang pasti, kenangan yang bawak balik dari umah, cakaran dan lakaran gerimis si meong-meong kat umah. MasyaAllah, sakit woooo. Tapi.. ada ku kesah? hahahaha Mereka-mereka itu sangat lah kiut miut!! Naik gila dibuatnya. Balik umah, dah ada yang sambut kat pintu. hahaha! Excited tak kira sampai meong tu lari takut. hahahaha. Mana tak nya, dia tak penah jumpa kita sejak lahir kot. Tah orang gila mana la ni, meong tu pikir la kot kan. hahahaha.

Sekali jejak masuk umah, umangaaaaiiii!!! Bapak banyak meong!!! XD

1, 2, 3.... 10 weh!! Besaq gajah pon ada, teenagers pon ada, dak kecik pon ada! Wow!!

Bikin gue gilak!! Streeessss! sebab tak tau nak pegang mana satu dulu. hahahahaha :P

Gila la.. memang syok dok umah. Meong-meong ni macam-macam perangai dok ada. Yang manja ket*** pon ada, yang sampai ke sudah lari semunyi pon ada. Allah... awat la ampa kiut sangat? XD

Yang paling tak bley blah nya, dari sepuluh 3 ekoq ja betina (termasuk nenek depa). Yang anak-anak cucu-cucu semua jantan! Wow! Meaning nya, lepaih ni bakal kena cuci umah tiap hari la weh. Gheja kencing merata la budak-budak ni buat tanda port masing-masing. Naseb la kalo masing-masing bertamadun sket kan. hahahahaha.

Kebetulan pulak, balik time Abg Fairuz and Kak Mimi buat aqiqah anak first depa. Dapat la jugak jejak umah tok kat Georgetown, jumpa sedara mara bla bla bla. Peh. Sepanjang jalan memang tutup mata ja. Kenot go. Keta gerak ja, loya, nak muntah. Hmm. Camtu lah. Orang dah besa drive, bila nek keta orang lain drive... Walaupun da besa loya tu tapi tetap tak ley tahan. Hmm. So tak dapat la tengok view from Penang Bridge. Rugi, rugi.

Hmm. Seronok? Best? Memang la kan. Tak pernah lagi selama hidup ni lama gila tak balik Penang. Huisy. Satu sebab ku tamaw kawen. Nya nya nya nya.

Tapi sedey, sesal, apa lagi yang sesuai? Semua tu la, still ada gak. 1, sebab Firdaus tak sempat balik sama-sama kami. Dia reply mesej masa kami dah sampai Simpang Pulai, stop solat kat situ. Sedddeeeyyy! Kalo tak pikir nak drive lagi masa tu, memang ku gheyau dah. 2, sebab benda-benda yang jadi kat umah. No comment. 3, sebab tak sempat setel segala hal and join friendly kat UKM. Seeeddddeeeeeyyyy sangaaaattt!! Ramai mesej, ada team yang call tanya sal friendly ni. Hmmmmm. Dapat pulak taw siap extend masa lagi. Menciiiikkkk!!! Sangat sedey. Training pun skarang da kurang, sangat-sangat kurang. Friendly pun tak dapat turun support. Memang down habes! 4, terbaca status along sal masum. Suuuppp!! Argh, sakit. Lagi tambah down. Dan, tetiba rasa... well, I should back off sekarang. Sorry to my partner, sy tak yakin untuk hadapi masum ni. Sorry dear, sy terpaksa tarik diri. Sy tawu awak boleh pergi jauh tanpa sy. Silalah. Sy tak mawu jadi penghalang, sy tak mawu berikan awak harapan kosong. Silalah. Walaupun dari dulu teringin nak join masum, tapi sy beralah. Sesapa yang lebih layak, silakan. Biarla orang kata sy cepat putus asa. Sy tak kesah. Drpd sy jadi bahan jenaka di tengah gelanggang and memalukan team, lebih baik back off dari awal. Down sangat sekarang sebab training pun da kurang join, jogging petang tak yah mention la. Program kelab pun selalu missed. Bagi je la kat orang yang lebih layak.

Lepas setel program satu ni, insyaAllah cuba turun training selalu. Training tak bermakna dapat main game, tul tak? Tapi tu la, kadang anganan ja lebey, tak dapat pun bila keja mai last minit neh. Pasrah. Hmm.

Dah r, walaupun da lama tak bebel kat sini, terpaksa stop dulu. Mata dah tak nampak skrin da ni. Layan ~~

- Tambah down bila terpikir what happened between us. Kalaulah dia tak libatkan perkara ni, tentu skali kita tak jadi macam ni... Pesanan penaja: Lain kali jangan men cakap ikut sedap mulut. Awak tu bukan anak didik Yusuf Haslam, jalan cerita awak tu tak berkesan tuk sy bila sy dah terluka kerana kata-kata awak. BERAT HATI DAH RASA NAK SUPPORT ORANG MACAM AWAK MELAINKAN PIKIR: DUIT DAH BAYAR, JOIN JE LAH.






Happy but not
Cleo
~ Creating Ideas, Developing Words ~