Tuesday, February 15, 2011

[ The Thing Is . . . ]

With Allah's love
Assalamualykum to my dear

Dear, right now, I am so sorry. I can't help it. I guess, I'm emotional right now, and can't even think rationally. There's a lot that happened lately, but I just don't have enough time to think about it. And today, alhamdulillah, I have the chance to review my life.

Well, I know you care, I know they care but I just can't take it anymore. One, because I don't have any prove of it even though I have the instinct. Two, because it feels so weird, when someone totally changed. From someone I know, to someone I can't even take it in my life.

I really am feeling sorry for her but this is too much, too shocking, and you can say it, a culture shock for me. It's just... I know, with the bond, we should be closer but I just can't take it after all this time. It's becoming so hard for me, you know. But even so, I still feeling sorry for myself because the time is ticking. She's getting older and her time will be at any moment. I know, and I know I will regret it for all my life but I just can't do it. The message, the request, it's just too hard for me.Is it my ego? I don't know. Why should I be egoistic in front her? It's just... It's just.... Gosh... Can I just let it go, dear...?

I know, it's not my right to have that feeling. But I just can't help it. Why did...? Okay, fine. I know, I know. If I was him, I'll also ask for my freedom. It's okay, just go, do whatever you wanna do. Then I won't be asking again. It's just... Allah... It's just.. They're my friends, how could I be such a fool to have that feeling towards them...?

It hurts seeing them together, it hurts knowing they succeed in something I should, it hurts knowing about it on my own.. Well, it's just... everything had gone so madly and everything around me become such a chaos. Just because I can't take it that way, I can't cope in every single thing, I lost the way, can't find the bearing, and I just...the thing is... I don't know... I just.... I just don't know dear..

Having something, losing something, keeping something, and letting go of something. These are too hard for me right now. Usually, these had never been a pest to me. But, for these cases, they just don't go away. Why...? Why...? Gosh, just shush from my mind please. You've been here for too long, and I hate to keep you any longer. Please... I have to let you go, I need to let you go. If only I can do what Dumbledore can do to his memories, I shall have all of you taken out immediately. Because you're just hurting me too much, too deep inside, yet I can never look away from you. Because all of you are still living in me. It's just too hard.

To say it out, I'm afraid I'll lose my friends. But to keep it deep inside, it's getting my way to have a calm and peaceful life. This is just too much. What can I do dear? What shall I do to make these thing go? If only I could hear you... If only you're real...

If only the answer is here
~ Creating Ideas, Developing Words ~
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