With Allah's love
Assalamualykum my dear
Hola! Como estas? Bien? Estoy bien. Gracias. Haha. Rindu pulak dengan drama La Usurpadora. Heeeee.. Dear, lately I've been sooo... soooo.... home sick, I guess? I don't know what's the best phrase but I guess it is the best. Not that I wanna go home, I am home. It's just... I feel so sad for I have to move out in less than a month from now.. Not about feeling hurt, it's slightly if in Malay, we call it terkilan, I guess. Or... is it...? Hmmm
It's just.. I've been spending like a year and a half if I'm not mistaken living in this house. Of course, at first it's just about taking care of my uncle's properties for awhile but somehow, it felt homey here. Truly, even when my family move out from our home years ago, I didn't feel it this way. It's just.. I feel like I'm not ready yet to leave this house. Guess I had fallen in love.. to this building.. crazy, huh? haha
For others, this house might be a haunted house. But not for me. I feel safe and secure in here. You know, feels like when you are at a place and you feel like someone is taking care of you? Yeah, it is like that here. Even when I lived in a single room (hostel) before, it didn't make me feel safe at all. Every night with nightmares and afraid of stranger getting into the room or just anything. But not here. Alhamdulillah. Even though there are some unpleasant news around but still, I do feel safe here.
Let me tell you a story, of why it felt that way. At first, it was scary each time I came home but for several months, there's nothing to be afraid anymore. No matter what happened, no matter how late I had to stay out, I felt like I had to come home. Like, you know. When you go to school, you just want to come home because your mom's waiting with food etc. That feeling, you know what I mean? Felt belong to a place called, home. ^_^
It was because day after day, felt like someone been watching over me, taking care of me here. There's nothing to worry about. For instance, this didn't happen every time but there were several time when I slept and didn't perform my prayer, something will wake me up and remind me to pray. And this thing, really knows I'm afraid of cockroach so each time there's one in the house, it'll warn me of it (in a different way each time) so that I'll be prepared. And, this one, just happened on Monday, if I'm not mistaken. I was asleep in the living room with lights on (actually its kinda hard for me to sleep in a bright room) so I had to cover my eyes with my arm. In my heart, I wished to switch off the light right above my head but because of too tired and sleepy and of course too lazy to move, I just bare with it. And what surprised me, I slept like a baby till morning (which is impossible before if I slept in a bright room). And when I woke up, my eyes weren't dazzled by the lights.. because the light above my head was switched off. You know, for others, this situation might be somehow eerie but for me, well, it was, for a moment, but then it makes me feel like someone actually taking care of me, like my parents always did back at home. And there're always admonitions if I did something.. bad like you know, for example as Muslims it's not a good attitude to sleep with your feet at the same direction of qiblat, right? And whenever I did that, something will wake me up with a slap or most of the time, a dream (you may call it nightmares, I guess) to wake me up in a sudden and make sure I change my position. You know, all of these situations, doesn't it reminds you of parents at home? They actually did the same to their children, right? But this one, I usually would like to think of this way: He send His protection and care for me all this while. Thank you Allah, alhamdulillah. I'm grateful for this chance. It gave me lessons that no one can teach. Alhamdulillah ^_^
My dear darling, there were much more reasons for me to feel so homey here. And of course, it's bugging me too whenever I think of the neighbour. kui3. Well, my dear, please don't exaggerate and please don't judge it too early. It's not like I'm in love with him, it's just, well, I don't know how to say. It feels like I'm gonna lose a friend-from-home. How shall I say this. Hmm. It's like kids who hate moving out because they'll lose their play-time friends. Hmm. Something like that.
My dear, all my life, every person I met said to me they were afraid of me at our first encounter. Too afraid even to say "hi". They always criticized me and said I need to smile more when encountering people especially for the first time. But him? I had never talked to him, never even tried to look at him, not even a single smile or eye contact. Yet, he tried every single thing he can, to make sure I talked to him. Or at least, recognized his presence. For his first try, I can say, he was totally rejected. I totally ignored him (which you know, I'm a pro in it), didn't even look back at him. It's like he's not even existed. Poor him, felt very guilty afterwards. hahaha. For other people, I guess they'll just say I'm such an arrogant. But then, he never gave up. Seems like he didn't even bother labeling me like others do. After that day, for every single day, every time he knows I was at home, he tried every thing he could do, just to "tell" me he's home. haha. He'd come outside and do chores whenever I was outside the house. He even washed his car frequently in a week! And he did that permanently for weeks until that day, at last, we got the chance for a little chit chat. Well, it was mainly because I can't hold my laugh when he did something stupid, and both of us knew, it was stupid. haha. Well, I really do appreciate people who try hard to make friends with me. Who didn't, right? And, with this kind of environment (of the neighbourhood), it is a relief to actually get a friend of your own age or so. At last, you have someone who talks using your language, know what I mean? huhu.
My dear, dear darling. This is really bugging me. And this time, it really is effecting my emotions every day. Why is it so hard to leave... But I know, how can I stay while this property isn't mine. Oh my... how hard can this be.. But, it's okay. It is what it is. Whether I want to go on or not, this thing are happening and I have to be prepared. I wish, that I can manage to have my own house, a house that can give me such pleasant and homey feeling like this one, insya-Allah. May Allah grant me this wish, ameen. I have to work harder to make sure I try my very best to realize this dream, insya-Allah. Dear, pray for me please. Be with me, please.
It's hard to find a home, and it's hard to feel at home, even when you're home.
Cry me a river
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